Trust in God when frustrated
I have found it difficult, like many others I have spoken to, as I struggle on in my journey of faith, not to be frustrated with myself when I continue to fail on a daily basis.
I should be improving and growing in virtue, shouldn't I? I should be able to see a change in myself, and if I don't I must be doing something wrong. But I'm really trying! And yet, I face the same temptations and struggles as I did before, and sometimes it seems the more I try to be better, the harder I fall!
Story of a Soul
I was reading St. Therese of Lisieux's Story of a Soul (which I recommend to everyone) and something she said struck me. She was talking about her spiritual life, and how when she compared herself to the great saints it seemed impossible that she should ever reach their level of sanctity. And yet, her greatest desire was to be a Saint. How could this happen when she was nowhere near the level of the great saints?
She explains that it was this very 'littleness' which she thought would prevent her sanctity which God would use to elevate her to greater heights of holiness than even those saints to which Therese compared herself! It would be a recognition of this littleness that would allow her to be picked up by God, and in leaning completely on His power, not on her own, she would quickly become holy. She uses the story of a little rabbit who is hunted by the king and all his hunting party. The rabbit knows it cannot escape, so in a bold, unexpected move, it runs back straight into the very arms of the king. The king is so struck by the rabbit's total surrender that he keeps and protects it as his very own pet. This is how Therese tells us to act; with complete surrender and trust in God's mercy and love.
Another analogy St. Therese uses is of herself as a little bird who cannot fly very high or very far, and the great saints as these majestic eagles who swoop and soar up to the sun. The little bird can only watch these, and rest under the rays of the sun which still reach her. When storms come and she can no longer feel these warm rays, the little bird simply waits, and trusts that the sun will shine again, but even deeper than that she waits for the time when she can be united forever with the great sun.
Trusting in God
Both of these are beautiful analogies, and really wonderful to think and meditate on, but I have found when it comes to putting them into practice it is not quite so simple. They demand that we trust in God for our sanctity, and not in our own efforts. They demand that we trust that He is working, even if we cannot see change. They demand a trust that is so sure it does not need proof. And this is not easy.
We live in a world where success comes proportional to the amount of effort put in, and where we measure worth and value based on results and appearances. So, this business of letting someone else take on all the responsibility for our sanctity, letting go completely of the reins, is not one which comes naturally, to me anyway!
Beginning again and again
When it comes to the struggle with sin, however, this way seems to be the most effective. It turns every moment of failure from sadness to joy, because it causes a deeper union between the sinner and the Saviour. With the mindset of St. Therese, every sin shows the sinner how much they need their Saviour, and how little they can do on their own. And this is really the most important thing.
This whole life is a preparation for eternity with that Saviour, and so it should be spent trying to get as close to him as possible. Complete surrender to him seems crazy until we truly begin a relationship with him. Then anything else seems crazy.
As difficult as it is for me to give over control to anyone else, I am trying to give it to God, and so far a lot of peace has come with that. It's still a work in progress, but I think it will be for my whole life, and I know that all God wants from us is that we start again every time we fall, but more importantly, that we learn to lean more on Him and less on ourselves every time.