The art of conversation

We’ve all seen the video Look up on YouTube about the newfound generation of robots that are slowly but surely losing all feeling and attention to the outer world. It’s true. We have all in some way been shaped and affected by it. We live in a world where it has become officially impossible to be without it. 

I love technology, I love social media and I love my phone. There are times when I am 100% addicted to it and they are generally when I haven’t heard from a friend, looking for beauty inspiration or at my low points and my hand goes straight for my phone, as a sort of distraction or even a coping mechanism… who knows? I know it’s not good and I know that a good conversation with a friend is what I need more… face to face. It occurred to me recently that an appointment with a therapist may be the only face-to-face conversations some of us have today, and therefore ‘conversation’ for us is used as a platform for our own thoughts and feelings rather than a place for discussion and understanding. What is that teaching us and others when we conduct it? More importantly, how did we get to this point? We all know what conversation is!

So I watched the look up video one day and underneath was a suggested video to a TedTalk on 10 Ways to have a better conversation by Celeste Headlee. Headlee is a writer and radio host who argues that due to the fluctuation in use of ‘within reach’ technology, we’re losing our ability to converse face-to-face, and with that, conversation is not modernising as it should. Headlee’s talk on basically ‘having conversations and not messing them up by talking about ourselves again’ is shaped in a series of 10 steps… basic, easy steps. 

Listen

Headlee says that the most fundamental concept of all conversations is the ability to listen. 

When I’m talking, I’m in control. I don’t have to hear anything I’m not interested in. I’m the centre of attention. I can bolster my own identity. 

Listening works best if your outcome is to understand, not just react or reply. Headlee comments on how listening is mostly forgotten in conversation of the 21st century. 

Don’t multitask

Have you ever sat down with a friend for a coffee and they whip out their phone and start mindlessly scrolling? We all know how aggravating this is. Why can’t they just listen?! Well Headlee says that it’s a lot more than just giving them your attention.

Be present. Be in that moment… don’t think about your argument you had with your boss. Don’t think about what you’re going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation but don’t be half in it and half out of it.

Don’t pontificate

Don’t what?! 

Fancy word but we have all gone through it and have had to hold ourselves back on the receiving end. In a nut-shell, don’t preach at someone. Rather give some healthy ideas or suggestions. Talking at someone is not having a conversation.

If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog… you need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn… sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.

Use open-ended questions

“If you put in a complicated question, you’re going to get a simple answer out,” Celeste explains. “Let them describe it. They’re the ones that know. Try asking them things like, ‘What was that like?’ ‘How did that feel?’ Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you’re going to get a much more interesting response.”

Go with the flow

This is probably one of my favourite steps. Hold yourself back from impulsive urges to interject! Even if it’s a great story. 

We’re sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop. And we stop listening… thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.

Giving the other person space to tell their story is listening. Although interjection is fine when it's appropriate to the conversation and only you will know, it can also be a conversation stopper and derail the thought process of the person you’re talking to. 

I don’t know, say you don’t know

Admitting that you don’t know something can be extremely hard to do for most of us. Although it feels like you come across as inexperienced or stupid, it makes you look honest. Honesty is the best policy after all, especially in conversations. 

Err on the side of caution, talk should not be cheap.

Don’t compare your experience with theirs

Our friends are usually around the same age as us, and generally we have all gone through a couple of the same experiences. However, when they need to talk theirs out, bringing yours up and how you dealt with it is not what they need, and instead turns the whole conversation back on to what seems like self-centered you!

If they’re talking about the trouble they’re having at work, don’t tell them about how much you hate your job, it’s not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And more importantly, it is not about you. Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

Try not to repeat yourself

It’s boring. 

To add to that, it makes your friend think that you are so self-centered, you forgot you’ve told them this before... maybe multiple times!

Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.

Stay out of the weeds

Don’t make it long and complicated. Think, does she need to hear all these details? 

Frankly, people don’t care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you’re struggling to come up with in your mind, they don’t care. What they care about is you.

Be brief

Does what it says on the tin. We don’t like conversations that run in the shape of a maze and last hours. We don’t like being talked at or down to. Headlee finishes her talk with a funny anecdote:

“A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.”