A real friend

Finneas released a track last year called “I Lost a Friend”. It’s an absolutely beautiful song and well worth a listen. In a video explaining the inspiration behind it, he said:

I was sort of busily writing like love songs and break up songs. That wasn't reflecting my reality at the time, which was that I really missed my best friend. 

Any of us who has ever lost a best friend for whatever reason knows what he is talking about. It’s heart-wrenching.

Friendship is one of the most beautiful experiences we will have in this life and having that genuine, authentic and transparent friendship with someone gives wholeness and depth. A relationship like this helps us to understand and love ourselves more fully. In a sense, it completes a part of you that you would not be able to find unless you had that friend. And the beautiful thing about it is that it does the exact same for your friend. 

Different Friendships

Aristotle classified friendship into three categories: friendship of benefit, of pleasure and of good.

Friends of benefit or utility are those relationships in which each one is in it for the benefit it receives from the other (for example, work related) or friends of pleasure are those grounded in the emotion you feel at a given time or during a certain activity (for example, going out buddies or sports). Both of these types of friendships - benefit and pleasure - are temporary. They last as long as the reality in which they exist last (college, a specific job, etc.). This is not a bad thing because some of these friendships grow to be more real and genuine.

The third category Aristotle terms are friendships of the good, the kind of relationship that is based on a mutual appreciation of the virtues the other person holds dear. In this kind of friendship, the people themselves and the qualities they live are the incentive for both people to be in each other’s lives.  In short, the friends that bring out the best in you and lead you to the best version of yourself. 

It doesn’t mean that these friendships are always great fun. In fact, the best friendships are with those where truth prevails over comfort. This means that they tell you honestly what you need to improve on, where you have fallen down, where you can be better. You may argue and disagree with a good friend, but you walk through it together and make up. That’s where really friendships unfolds. It’s not about the emotion or benefit it gives, but rather you are mutually there for each other for the good and love for the other. 

Jay Shetty has this short video where he uses a simple metaphor to explain the same as Aristotle: 

“People in our lives are like parts of a tree. You have the leaves, the branches and the roots. The people who are like leaves on a tree, leave. They were only meant to be in our lives for a temporary period of time. Leaves like most friendships are amazing in the beginning, but take more than they are willing to give, and offer very little support and help especially through troubled seasons. They were never meant to be permanent because when things get tough, they were easily blown away. 

People who are like branches are the ones that say “I’m here for you” “You can depend on me”, but as soon as things get a little tough, they break off because they can’t carry the weight. These branches are there for some time, they provide some purpose, but they don’t last for very long either. Eventually these branches break off and disconnect. 

People who are like roots are permanent. These are the friends that go through everything with you. They go through hell and back. They break apart, fall apart, only to build again. Only to refuel, reenergize you with what you need. These are the friends that stay strong and become your foundation.”

Friendship takes work but a real friend is irreplaceable and losing one is unforgettable. When we find it hard to be there for our friends, think that going that extra mile is worth it, because when they are not there, we may only know then how much they do complete us. 

As C.S. Lewis famously says: 

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.