Love language

I recently stumbled across an email that I’d received in college containing results from an online test I had taken. The test was called “the 5 love languages” created by Dr Gary Chapman. I was left feeling unsatisfied with those results having read them 6 years later so I took the test again and it made a lot more sense to me. The way that I received love and showed love had changed in the last few years. 

Human love is amazing. We all experience it everyday whether it's with family, friends or partners. With these incredible bonds that we need in our lives comes a lot of different personalities/temperaments and needs within the realm of ‘love’. We tend to adjust to people's most comfortable way of showing and receiving love, with a “that’s just the way they are” attitude. However, sometimes we may find that we don’t get what we need from someone we love or they don’t feel that they are getting what they need from us. It’s complicated when it hits this point because reports have shown that this can be the reason for so many breakdowns in families, marriages and friendships, and that a solution is communicating what is needed.

Dr Gary Chapman (who, among his other professional duties, is a marriage counselor), holds that there are five main ways that people show their affection; this also tends to be the way they prefer to receive affection, too. According to Chapman’s theory, some people may express their feelings for their significant other through heartfelt words, for example, while others might show their love through their actions. If you are the former, and your loved one is the latter, this can lead to all manner of communication problems. The five languages are something like love personalities, in other words. But instead of a personality framework for understanding only yourself, this one is unique in that it also encourages you to understand your significant other, to try and “read” their thoughts and feelings as best you can.

The five love languages are as follows: 

Quality Time

In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

Acts of Service

Can helping with something really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you.

Chapman also explains that not everyone is satisfied with these results and that other approaches to discovering your love language exist:

First, observe how you most often express love to others. If you are regularly doing acts of service for others, this may be your love language. If you are consistently, verbally affirming people, then Words of Affirmation is likely your love language.

What do you complain about most often? When a loved one says Happy Birthday and you respond, “You didn't get me anything?!” you are indicating that Receiving Gifts is your language. The statement, “We don’t ever spend time together,” indicates the love language of Quality Time. Your complaints reveal your inner desires. (If you have difficulty remembering what you complain about most often, you should ask a friend or family member. Chances are they will know.)

What do you request of others most often? If you are saying “Did I do a good job?” you are asking for Words of Affirmation. “Do you think we could hangout this weekend?” is a request for Quality Time. “Would it be possible for you to mow the grass this afternoon?” expresses your desire for Acts of Service.

References & to take the Quiz

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. 1992.