How can I forgive?
If we never experienced real hurt in our lives then we are not human. Hurt comes with the territory because where there are people, there is love and where there is love there will always be gorgeous light but also shadows. That is what makes love so beautiful, because it is a gift. It’s not a given.
A couple of years ago, I came across this video. Before you continue reading, I would love if you could watch the first testimony. It starts at minute 3.55 (the intro to the documentary is pretty long). I never finished watching the entire documentary, perhaps because I always stayed with the first testimony, re-watching it over the years. It is powerful.
This lady, Agnes, had every right to distance herself from this person. It would have been entirely justified. It is (what is now in vogue) the importance of setting and sustaining boundaries for your mental health and relationships. And yet, this beautiful lady decided to forge that relationship and reach out to him despite the indescribable hurt.
You hear every once in a while people who fall out with siblings, friends, parents. In short: loved ones. It starts off as a terrible hurt that could not be forgiven in the moment and as the years roll by, the resentment builds up and creates a void that is hard to cross. You can’t reach out or perhaps, you don’t know how to reach out.
The effects of Resentment
We all know this age old proverb that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Resentment is a slow burning anger that is imperceptible to you as you live your life day-by-day but over time it leaves a hurt far greater than the initial hurt. Days, weeks, months and years roll by and you’re able to get on with your life, laugh and enjoy others and life’s experiences, but all the time, the resentment still stays with you. This is not good.
You are not doing yourself any favours and certainly, you are not favouring all your loved ones in choosing not to forgive. Not because it affects them directly but because it affects you and that influences your relationships with others.
If we don’t forgive, resentment begins to encroach in our other relationships and before we know it, we have acquired little tiny resentments with this person, that person and that other person. They are small. They make no real difference to our life or so we think. But this terrible habit builds over time until our feelings and reality do not match. We become more and more sensitive with every slight hurt that someone does to us. We consider it unjust and pull away from each person that does us harm. Have we forgotten that we are human and flawed and that if we love, we will inevitably need to forgive?
The decision to forgive
What is important to note is that forgiveness is not a feeling. You don’t have to feel like you have forgiven that person. Much like love (or lack of love), forgiveness is a decision. We decide to forgive and we act on that forgiveness. If appropriate and helpful, reaching out to that person who has wronged you. He/she needs it but you need it more. Think of how important it is for yourself to move on.
Forgiveness is something we all need to practice if we want to enjoy happiness and a good life. We can hold onto it and punish ourselves or we can forgive and move on to a better life. Again, we may think it’s not affecting us, but it does.
I talk sometimes to a friend who writes wills. He tells me that the odd time there are people who decide to omit a son or daughter from the will for a wrong that happened years ago. So this person dies, the family comes together, the will is read and this is the legacy this person has left behind: resentment. Such a terrible tragedy! You go to your grave and even in death, you make your point to revenge on another. And to make matters worse, you sow that seed of resentment among the rest of your family.
Such a different story from that lady Agnes who decided to forgive.
Who do you want to become
Is there someone that you can’t forgive? Or instead will you decide to carry that slow imperceptible burning anger to the end of your days? And will it be worth it?
Sometimes, life carries us along because it’s busy and distracting. But lockdown is not busy and for that reason it could be the moment to forgive, to reach out to whoever you need to reach out to and begin again.
Ultimately our decisions, not our circumstances, are what make us. And wouldn’t it be wonderful if at the end of our lives, we could look back and think we made the right decision, like Agnes.
Resources:
Book - From Resentment to Forgiveness, Francisco Ugarte
Book - The Power of Kindness: The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life, Piero Ferrucci
Audible Series - Habits for Happiness: 10 Daily Steps for Living Your Happiest Life, By: Dr Tim Sharp.