The true value of an apology
It’s a very Irish trait to “over-apologise” even when you are not to blame. An automatic reaction of “sorry” is one thing that can be taken in many different ways. You can say sorry for doing something wrong or you can say sorry for something that another person has gone through out of sympathy or empathy. Within a workplace it’s very easy to over-apologise to an authoritative figure, however, you notice after time that the reaction we get to this apology can become ulterior and suppressive and in turn can result in the superior figure taking advantage.
There are two extreme types of “apologisers”, those who constantly apologise, even when they’re not responsible, and those who don’t apologise at all. Some people fear apologising could undermine their status; that it may fuel demands for compensation, or cede power by providing the victim with a choice of whether to forgive or not – but such fears are usually greater than what is actually experienced when they apologise. This apologetic language can create an obstacle in the face of negotiating, which requires assertiveness. Even if you feel confident when you apologise, others may view it as weak. In that case, the apologetic language serves as a barrier between you and your request. However, some types of apologies can encourage forgiveness, repair relationships and dissolve hostility. But they aren’t easy to come by and require more than just saying “I’m sorry”: the person apologizing must go the extra mile and express genuine remorse or offer to make amends.
Apologising too frequently can cause a number of obstacles:
Loss of respect and the impact of an apology
Over-apologising isn’t that much different from over-complimenting. It’s easy to think that in doing so, you are being polite, but you’re perceived as lacking confidence. It can even give stronger personalities permission to take advantage. If you say “I’m sorry” for every little thing now, your apologies will carry less weight later on for situations that really warrant a sincere apology.
It’s annoying
We’ve all been around someone who constantly apologises. We understand they’re only trying to be nice, but it can often feel exhausting and irritating at the same time. Studies have found that saying “I’m sorry” when intentionally rejecting someone (like cancelling plans) could cause the other person to feel worse, or that they have to forgive the rejecter before they are ready.
It can lower your self-esteem
Choosing not to apologise for everything may have psychological benefits. Researchers have found that people who refused to express remorse showed signs of greater self-esteem, increased feelings of power (or control) and integrity.
So how can I reflect and change the way that I use and obtain the value of an apology?
Be more self-aware
Assess your own behaviors and tendencies. Are you really someone who apologises too much? If so, you should carefully observe a situation before immediately saying “I’m sorry.” Count how many times you apologise in a day and for what reasons. Take note of how you feel when you apologise. Does apologising make you feel weak or insecure? Do you apologise because you crave the approval of strangers? If so, then you may choose to apologise less to see how the habit affects your self-esteem.
Observe your behavior
Especially in workplace situations, you might want to note how your apologies come across to others. How do people react? Do they seem to take more advantage if you’re overly apologetic? In some cases, if you want to establish boundaries with a peer or colleague, adjusting your language might be part of that. That’s not to say apologising is bad, but words are powerful, and you may need to pull back in some situations. So if you keep getting told don’t apologise it’s not your fault, you might say, “I’m not apologising because I think I did something wrong, I’m apologising because I’m sorry for you.”
Know what you should (and shouldn’t) apologise for
If you couldn’t control the situation or it was an honest mistake, there’s no need to apologise. But if you were really at fault, own up to it. Admitting you’re wrong is never easy, but it can strengthen your relationships and show that you have emotional intelligence. Refusing to apologise feels good, but that doesn’t make it healthy. If you’ve done something that has major negative consequences for someone else, it’s important to acknowledge if you value the health of the relationship.
Studies have identified six traits of an effective apology. You must express regret, explain what went wrong, acknowledge responsibility, declare repentance, offer a solution and request forgiveness.
Get comfortable with saying “no”
Saying “no” can be awkward and uncomfortable for some, but it can be a very effective way to protect your time. If you’re swamped at work and a colleague asks for help, you don’t need to be sorry for not chipping in. If you can’t make it to an event/meet-up because you made plans prior to knowing, say, “I can’t make it. Maybe next time!” Whatever you say, be transparent. There’s no need to go out of your way simply because you felt bad.