How do I make tough decisions?
Why are hard decisions so difficult to make? In reality, If it were easier to make the bigger decisions in life we wouldn’t call them ‘big’ … they're big for a reason. They’re big because they often determine our trajectory in life, where we settle and with whom. As the consequences attached with making tough decisions influence us in such a profound way, no wonder we shy away from making them. We shy away from making them in fear of choosing the ‘wrong’ option, taking the wrong path as it were. We see them in very concrete, black and white terms … either we make a good or bad choice, we either succeed or we fail.
No wonder why that seems daunting to many … who wants to face that kind of responsibility? We feel that there is fundamentally no going back or rectifying our ‘mistake’. What’s done is done.
how we make decisions
One may argue that the problem with society is that we are forced to make big decisions at such a young age (such as choosing our career paths at 18 without fully exploring our options). We fail to weigh up our own wants and needs and instead we consider those of our parents, peers…we even take into consideration the expectations of strangers! What ‘sounds good’ and what gives us external validation is often what guides our choices. This in turn makes us ‘bad decision makers’, unable to think for ourselves, think about ourselves and what decisions would make us truly happy.
With this in mind, why do we want to get better at making hard choices? Simply put, life is full of them. Being able to make hard decisions is a skill, one we have to develop. However we don’t have to view decision making in such fixed terms, we can make peace with it, but shouldn’t play it safe either!
Playing it safe
When we make smaller choices, we feel we have more room to take risks. Whether we go for the chocolate or strawberry ice cream really doesn’t affect us that much. What if you choose the strawberry because you thought it would make you happier than the chocolate only to realise you were mistaken? Well, nothing changes…only that you’re a bit disappointed!
But what about bigger, harder choices? Such as our career paths, where to live, who to marry. We are often left frozen at the thought of making a big decision. We’ve all been there … we’d rather occupy our time with anything other than the big, scary decision that is staring at us in the face. We do this because we don’t want to get it wrong, we don’t want to face the possibility that we might make a ‘bad’ choice. Author Seth Godin talks of the ‘lizard brain’ and how it prevents us from taking risks with the choices that are put in front of us. This is ultimately what is known as ‘the resistance’. That is, the resistance we feel when faced with hard decisions. He writes -
“… the resistance is talking to you as you read things, urging you to compromise, to not be a troublemaker, to avoid rash moves. For many of us, the resistance is always chattering away, frequently sabotaging our best opportunities and ruining our best chance to do great work. Naming it helps you befriend it, and befriending it helps you ignore it.”
However, in order to progress and move forward in our lives, we must take risks, we must become brave decision makers and resist listening to our ‘lizard brain’.
Making peace with decision making
At the moment of making any life choice, we aim to choose the best option for our future self. A few years ago I remember hearing someone say that you should always think of past decisions keeping in mind the following -
That you made the best decision at the time with the information you had available to you.
This really hit home. Sure … many of us would go back and change some things about our lives but hopefully we wouldn’t change the choices we made, because well, we were different people when we made them.
Perhaps your older, wiser and more mature self of the present moment would not choose the same thing … because the reality was you weren’t the same person - and how amazing is that! It's a clear sign of increased self awareness and growth because you now realise what you do want. Here are some points to consider when aiming to make peace with decision making -
Outlook - Let go of this ‘life or death’ outlook. Most hard decisions are rarely that black and white! Know that by choosing one thing over the other that you will be missing out on something that the other offers, but you are indeed gaining much more by choosing what fits.
Seek council from those family members or close friends that have your best interest at heart. The opinion of those who you value and who you know will tell you the truth as opposed to just what you want to hear. Make these a max of 3 people.
Values - Do weight up the options that are infront of you .. both the pros and cons. But ultimately look at your own values. Think about what it is you value when faced with making a big choice and what it will provide you with. In the Tedtalk “How to make hard decisions”, the speaker talks about choosing between living in the city or countryside. She explains that the ‘right’ answer depends on you, the decision maker and your values.
Finally, know that with every tough decision you make you learn something. You gain more understanding about yourself, about your likes and dislikes, your hopes and dreams. You become a better risk taker, with a greater self awareness. The fact you have the freedom to choose is a true gift, one we should always be thankful for.
