How to set boundaries?
Having boundaries isn’t a simple decision. It requires a deeper knowledge and understanding first of yourself and knowing what is hard for you to say yes and no to and the reasons why you say it. Sometimes its out of laziness or convenience, other times its out of guilt or force. We need to be in a position of understanding of why we say what we say and what it means to us.
Friendships and boundaries
Having a connection and friendship with someone is hard. It requires particular maintaining and sacrifice in order for it to grow. What is the limit though? There has to be a limit! I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s important to repeat, you have got to say no to many things whenever you say yes to something. This is necessary in friendships and relationships. Having boundaries with your friends can be very helpful in maintaining that friendship. We all may have that friend who craves attention, is overdramatic and tells you every little detail there is to know. We love our friends, but when is it TMI? When do we sit down and say “ok listen gal, I love you and love that you share everything with me but this is too much and I don’t know if you ever think about how it may affect me?” Yeah… probably never. We’d rather go through it and then vent to another friend about that one and it just becomes a vicious circle. Our friendships should resemble what freedom, love and kindness look like. We shouldn’t feel that it’s one-sided and all about them and their dramas and oh wait what? I didn’t need to know that… are you even taking a breath between words? This has gotten exhausting… even just writing this. Ugh.
The bottom line is that boundaries are necessary to avoid unhealthy dependency in a friendship. Unhealthy dependency in a friendship leads to a breakdown in friendship and an ultimate dread of the time spent together. Maybe there are certain areas that you can suggest some sort of therapy to help her rather than taking on the role of therapist. Then in future hopefully you can talk about these things in a healthier and more balanced way.
Boundaries and family
Ohhh, if you haven’t ever had to create boundaries in this area then look away now! The thing about family is that they have your absolute best interests at heart… in their minds, and yes, they have a plan for your life too, because you know… they know you better than anyone. Maybe it’s true. This is where you need to ask yourself, am I happy where I’m at? Am I trying to impress my parents or live up to their expectations of me? Personally I think we are living in a world where young people are becoming better and better at doing what they want regardless of what anyone wants, and I also think that parents are becoming more open-minded too. This topic though always comes into the forefront of any conversation that you have whether it’s with a friend or with a professional, what is your relationship like with your parents. Hopefully it’s amazing! Most are! However there is always that miscommunication that can happen in families. Leaving a conversation you need to have with them too long that leads to an argument.
An area I’ve always found that combats this is trying to involve them in what you want, desire and love to do. Do they see what you love doing and really see you shine in it? Do they have a role in your life? Do you spend time with them? Do you communicate to them that you have stuff going on, a lot of friends and that this is where you balance out and share your time? Communication issues can lead to breakdown in families. If they don’t know what you’re enjoying or doing they can’t get to know you and they may think you are avoiding them. That can make them think that their plan was better. So ask yourself whether this is a priority for you?
Boundaries and work
I love my job. So much so that it can consume me outside of working hours. That passion is important to have in your life. It’s constantly improving my mental wellbeing and my growth in many different interior and exterior areas. However, it’s important to switch off, which I find very hard, when you come home. Having hobbies, making nice dinners, exercising, spending time with loved ones, whatever it is, it’s a boundary that needs to be put in place in order to continue loving what you do and thriving in it. An area that can harm this is leaving badly handled situations open-ended leaving work. It causes friction and a pretty tough evening for you and the other person. You won’t and I repeat WON’T switch off.
What am I like in work? Do I only do what’s expected of me? Do I go above and beyond taking initiative? Do I make my work my own? These things not only will motivate us, but they help us to change aspects to our work life everyday. If I am given a last-minute task and I have come to the conclusion that I will not get it completed, do I say no or communicate that I won’t get it done on time? It can be a killer to try to meet deadlines and do a botched up job in the process. Communication can be so hard because we anticipate the outcome, but you’re better off being honest and saying it.
Boundaries with colleagues/managers can be tough and tedious. Hopefully we all have great working relationships, but unfortunately there are really awful issues in workplaces especially in this area. Boundaries from day one can help in avoiding these situations. Here is hoping that we all have a healthy balanced work/social life. One area to avoid especially starting when you are young is the ‘work hard/play hard’ mentality. Having a balance between the two is much more effective for your focus with your friends and social situations and your focus in work. It feels good. Exhaustion is the result of this rough mentality and lifestyle.
Boundaries and the digital age
What is my relationship like with social media? I actually find the ‘screen time’ calculator on iPhones so helpful with this. Looking at these results can seriously shock you on a daily basis, for the good and the bad. What really gets me about it though is the fact that there is a pattern with it. I tend to spend way more time on my phone in certain situations or areas or mostly the weekends, and way less time during the week or in other places, even with certain people. It really opened my eyes as to what I do everyday that is important to me and what isn’t. Where am I when I spend so much time on my phone? Do I really value that person? That thing I do?
Social media I’d a funny one. I absolutely love it. I do see from my job the terrible impact it can have on children and younger adults up to older adults today though. Spending more time talking with your friends on social media than IRL is a problem that we can’t keep normalising. It’s really quite damaging for mental health and real life friendships. In addition to our friends, who we follow can have a serious impact on our life. Are the people I follow actually my friends? Am I following them for other reasons such as followers, wanting their life? Even celebrities and bloggers, are they motivational? Keeping me positive? Do they leave me dissatisfied with my own life. If so, I think you know what to do.
If you feel like you are having trouble in this area, great boundaries to put in place are:
Unfollowing/defriending purge
Putting my phone away for 12-24 hours
Turning off social media notifications
Deleting social media apps for 7 days