Practising self-love for healthy relationships
Story time
A friend of mine was telling me about a sticky situation she had found herself in recently with a friend of hers. For the purpose of this blog, I will refer to them as Jane and Ava. Jane had noticed that Ava constantly talked about her flaws and how she hadn’t as much confidence in herself as Jane did. She was constantly comparing herself to others and was getting tired of dating because she “didn’t like the process”, she just wanted to be in a relationship. However, the dating life was leaving her very unsatisfied.
After a while, Jane noticed that Ava was starting to take her frustrations out on her the more time she spent with her. She would tell Jane that she needed to be taken down a peg or two, and that Jane was very full of herself, and that she needed to encourage her to date more. Although Jane thought that this behaviour was odd, she could see that Ava was frustrated and just decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her get over it. It wasn’t until a mutual friend of theirs pulled Jane aside and expressed how she had noticed that Ava had been mistreating Jane, getting mad at her unnecessarily and now it was quite public. She asked if Jane was ok. Jane explained that Ava was having trouble with dating and that time was a healer. The mutual friend told Jane that it looked and sounded toxic and that she would need to address it with Ava. The friendship ended up fizzling out because Jane finally addressed it and Ava did not take it well.
The above situation is not uncommon, but if we look back at Ava’s behaviour, she was trying to pull someone down who was in a great place because she wasn’t. She was lacking in self-love and self-acceptance, and unfortunately let jealousy reign, pushing Jane away until she could prove that Jane wouldn’t be there for her.
Self-acceptance
Self-love sounds so cheesy but the reality is that it is attractive. It can be incredibly unattractive when overdone. Loving yourself certainly makes it easier to love someone else. When you accept yourself fully you don’t need someone else’s approval, love or attention. In this state of mind, you are more likely to believe that you will find someone to love and be loved by. So, a bad date or a rejection feels more like a detour on your way to a happy relationship than an overwhelming failure. Self-acceptance means you’re fine with being alone, and in relationships, you are more open. Moreover, this perspective means that when you feel a connection, it is genuine and not blindly driven by an overwhelming need for acceptance or love.
On the other hand, if you don’t love yourself and are more critical and unaccepting of yourself, you probably find it difficult to believe other people can really accept and love you. Focusing on flaws and seeing them in a negative light rather than accepting them can cause you to create distance between yourself and others to avoid rejection. Or, you may do whatever you can to earn acceptance and create closeness, even if that means hiding your real self behind a façade. Like Ava, if it gets bad enough, jealously can consume you and so you may hurt those close to you. Also, your anxieties and fears may cloud your thinking about someone, leading you to overlook their flaws and exaggerate their positive traits. As a result of your overall sense of feeling inadequate or unworthy, you will find it harder to make a genuine connection and build a healthy relationship.
The struggle
However, even when you struggle with self-love, you can still give and receive love. Despite doubting yourself, you might believe someone else’s positive perceptions of the real you. You might also see the other person clearly enough to make a real connection with them. Over the course of a relationship, unconditional love may help you to overcome your insecurities. You may also replace the idealised version of your partner with a real one, seeing them as a flawed person too, and still love them, or maybe love them even more.
So, do you need to love yourself before you can love someone else? Well, you must understand that all people have struggles within themselves. Living life means growing and changing, both within and outside of a relationship.