Am I really free with God in my life?
When I was in second year college, I wrote a letter to the Pope asking him to explain what does it mean to be free. I was grappling with it.
On the one hand, I wanted to be a Catholic but I couldn’t reconcile it with my freedom to do what I wished which sometimes wasn’t in line with Catholic teaching. I was angry with my conscience. Is this really true: “The Truth will set you free”. If that is the case, then why the hell do I feel so bad afterwards when I do what I want? Why can’t I have the best of both worlds?
I got a letter back, signed not by the Pope but by his Nuncio in Ireland, with a series of references to the Catechism and various encyclicals. It was not what I really wanted to be honest. I didn’t think some dusty books would give me the answer. But to be fair, it was the beginning.
Looking back, a number of life experiences have helped me to understand what Our Lord meant by that line “the Truth will set you free”. Because at the end of the day, we are made in His image and likeness, and for some mysterious reason (unbeknownst to ourselves sometimes), we experience the real meaning of freedom when we follow His will. This is hard because we think that we will be freer and happier if we are the ones in control, autonomous, independent and always have the choice on our side. But strangely enough, the opposite is true.
I have been listening to a song lately by Max Leone, called Cautious. The lyrics are interesting. Give it a listen, if you can. The chorus rings out - I'm so sick of being cautious all the time. Turning into something caustic.
The lyrics speak of vulnerability and the unwillingness to be close to others who may hurt you, so he’d rather be cautious. But the upshot of that is a very mundane life and as he says himself, it turns into something caustic.
Freedom is a beautiful gift and even better when we use it. But sometimes we are afraid of it. When you search for freedom on GoogleImages, you find a whole series of stock photos of nature, sunsets, top of mountains and then one person there with their arms outstretched. Freedom is communicated to us as freedom from circumstances, people and things that apparently tie us down. As if “freedom from” is the ultimate prize.
So when we think of following God’s will, we can be afraid that our freedom will be curtailed and micromanaged.
Will God micromanage my life if I try to follow his will?
I used to think that the Saints were people who handed their freedom entirely over to God, like little robots – just did everything He asked them to. This is very far from the truth.
God doesn’t want to control you. He doesn’t want a minion. In fact, I think He’d prefer you sinned and returned again and again, then if you lived your life in fear and robotic duty to Him. Sounds a wee bit blasphemous, but the passage of the Prodigal Son is not so much about the son that sinned and returned but about the son that stayed but wasn’t really free because he didn’t love. There is something to learn from both their choices.
God wants your love more than anything and his willing to risk your freedom for it, because you need to be free, in order to love. He doesn’t want you to do his Will simply because you have to, but because you want to. And if you don’t want to, then you have every right to exercise that freedom to go elsewhere. The only thing is that elsewhere is not really what it is cracked up to be.
The quid to all this is in our origins. Who are we? We are born in His image and likeness.
The adventure of following God’s will
Following God’s will is one of relationship, not one of a boss trying to micromanage your every move. Bring your personality, your loves, your anger or whatever you have to that relationship. Be real with Him and get to know Him. Wrestle with Him on a couple of ideas that He may have for you, but in the end, always trust Him (especially if He insists). For a relationship to work, it needs to be 50/50, and that goes for your relationship with God too. You need to bring yourself, with all its richness, to the adventure. And it is an adventure!
When I do tug of war with God’s will, sometimes I think of the BBC series, Planet Earth. If God can create such incredible beauty and amazing creations, how could I possibly not trust Him with my life? Do I honestly think with my own will, I could do a better job at living my life? Most likely not. He seems to have nailed it with his creative power so why would I not be willing to partner with Him in creating the adventure of my life.
And that’s what following God’s will is: an adventure. It won’t be Disneyland for sure, but it will be rich in experiences and insights. Saint John Paul II began his pontificate saying “Do not be afraid. Open wide the doors to Christ”, because he himself experienced the beauty of that adventure and look where it led him – to an incredible life. Following God’s will may not be what we expected but it will always be the right fit.