High expectations, low moods, what now?
When I sat down to write this blog post, I typed perfectionist into google and the top three searches were:
1. Is perfectionism a mental disorder?
2. Are perfectionists narcissists?
3. Can perfectionism be cured?
Pretty bleak, right?
I really dislike this word because of all the negative connotations that come with it. In fact, related words could send you on an anxious spiral... excellence, idealistic, foolproof, defectless, faultless, untainted… the list goes on. To a perfectionist, these words may be compliments. However, we all have our perfectionist moments, whether it's applying for a job, painting a portrait, writing a blog…! Everyone has perfectionist tendencies, and this comes from a good place which is having high expectations for ourselves. This is a fundamentally good thing. Expecting good things from life is a great sign of self-worth. The question is are our expectations are too high? Moreover, are my expectations destroying me?
Are my expectations too high?
Unfortunately, there are quite a few negative impacts of perfectionism and having high expectations. Perfectionism is neither intrinsically bad nor good when practiced in a measured way. There are two areas that we feel these negative impacts and they are on our relationships with others, and our relationships with ourselves. For others, they may not see themselves as good enough around you, ultimately distancing themselves from you. The dangers of mega high levels of expectations are that they can feed into a gradual self-absorption where you are, in essence, trying to protect yourself at all costs from harm or hurt.
Here are four signs that your expectation levels are too high:
We believe that everyone should know what we need without us having to say anything (in both our personal and professional life)
This causes anger and frustration and can lead to troubled relationships, intimacy issues, and loneliness. All very real issues for most people anyway in different phases of life. What is needed is direct communication and reflection. It’s ok to get frustrated and caught up in the moment as long as we rectify it. If we find this is happening a lot, then it may be time to reflect on what I could communicate to others next time. Asking for help and/or support is ok and requires vulnerability.
We believe others should be just like us
If I stay in work late, everyone should. If I get up early to some chores to start the day, everyone should too. We cannot judge others by our own standards. Individual pace and drive are individual for a reason.
We believe that one day, they will change
When we think that we can change people, we are essentially trying to control their actions to work in line with our standards. Each and every time we do this, we will be left feeling disappointed, stressed and unfulfilled. Life is not a linear experience, it throws curve balls at us sometimes when we least expect it to. If we are trying to control our lives and fail, it will leave us feeling to blame. There aren’t many straight-forward facts when it comes to self-blame, but self-criticism and judgement always result in different levels of anxiety and depression depending on how often we inflict it upon ourselves.
We live life believing that the next achievement or goal will make me happy
In the process of ‘getting things’, we may get a boost of happiness (or dopamine). But once that wears off, science says that we rest back at a lower level of happiness than before the achievement. Expectations that material possessions will make us happy is a very dangerous way to think. A study on ageing by a sociologist at Chicago University found that happiness levels tend to rise rather than fall with old age because overtime and with experience, people have lower expectations, and more acceptance of the way things are.
High expectations dictate our response to the little things in life and our capacity to be resilient. When you fail at what you expect, it confirms your low beliefs of yourself. When you have negative core beliefs, you may think you have to be perfect to be loved, and that the world is a dangerous place, so you have to have control to protect yourself. By expecting too much of others, you have the perfect excuse to push them away, which feeds into the fear of intimacy. Managing our expectations means being vulnerable, flawed, and shockingly honest with ourselves, so that we can have healthier relationships not only with others in our lives but, more importantly, with ourselves.
Some questions to ask yourself before you feed into your expectations are:
Is this really what I want? Or is it what I think family, friends or society want?
How does this expectation serve me? And how does it hold me back?
What would it take to let go of this expectation? What could I both lose and gain?