Calling all perfectionists!
By nature, some of us are natural perfectionists. It isn’t a flaw! I think it’s one of the many gifts given to me… because hey, if you don’t do things wanting them to be done in the best way, then why do it? Even if I do eight drafts of it! Or I annoy the living daylight out of my other half with it!
However, being perfect isn’t the same as being a perfectionist and it isn’t all it’s cooked up to be.
Being perfect can contribute to “the second life”, the ego, wanting total control, horrible responses to failure, being totally closed to a critical view, an incredible amount of self-inflicted pressure and, our favorite one, the enslavement to anxiety.
It’s a constant game, a never-ending competition with no one but yourself, and that’s one game that you’re never going to win. Why? Because it’s hard to please ourselves. We have a lot of expectations to live up to, and we want to live up to each and every one of them no matter who they are from.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
We are faced with a lot of pressures and measurements in just the small square space of our home, never mind outside. We may have expectations that our parents have for us, our relatives, ourselves and social media. These expectations can come in a range of different forms. Grades, colleges, boyfriends, friends etcetera. These pressures can damage a person's self-esteem, and is usually the origin of many depressions or emotional illnesses down the line. Experience trumps any teaching. What you go through impacts you more than any book that tells you how to be.
“It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sit back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things”- Leonardo da Vinci.
Not being true to yourself, perfectionist or not, can also lead to making excuses a lot. We can blame people for only so much of our identity crisis’, but we are the ones in control of being ourselves. Our brains work in a way that attracts new ideas, especially of inclusion and belonging.
“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are- it requires you to be who you are”- Brené Brown.
We all want to belong, we don’t want to be the loner or the misfit. We fall into the trends and the grooves of new ideas and we are vulnerable to this way of being, especially if everyone is doing it. It’s hard to stand out after all and it’s harder to show your true self in a world where that is rare.
Give up on being perfect and become yourself
The constant pressure of trying to be perfect and never fully succeeding was starting to consume me. I remember one day thinking that the times when I did achieve perfection in my tasks or actions etc, it was temporary, momentary. I remember coming up with a saying that day in my dreaded despair: “a lifetime of climbing and falling for a moment on the peak.” Each task I did felt like this and it was starting to give me extreme anxiety.
I also found myself convincing myself that I was open to criticism and that was “how I grew”. However, when it came to it, I found myself facing the music and constantly saying “Oh I know/knew that” and then trying to justify my actions letting everyone know that I was well aware of the ‘right way’ and just avoiding it because blah blah blah...! It was ridiculous and I knew deep down that people knew well by me that I just didn’t like being wrong.
There is nothing wrong with being a perfectionist, or climbing and falling so much until you reach the peak! However, it’s an issue if you are not enjoying it. You must find meaning in the climb, in the falling, in reaching the peak and the momentary glory… because it will only be a matter of time before you burn yourself out of a meaningless climb for that moment of glory.
Although it sounds like perfectionists have this huge head and always think that they are right, here is where a perfectionists faults lie…
A psychologists definition of a perfectionist is as follows: “a personality trait characterized by a person's striving for flawlessness and setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations.”
There is already a huge clash, trying to find flawlessness in a world that is full of flaws is impossible. Trying the be perfect in a world that is not is impossible.
As a perfectionist I am always constantly judging myself… and I am always comparing myself and taking very seriously others comments about me or things that I do which never is apparent on the exterior may I add.
So it’s not that “I knew” at all, it’s that I knew it was coming… the comments, the judgements, because I comment so much on myself. See, it’s great being labeled a perfectionist, but nothing about what I do is ever perfect and that is where the self-deprecation starts and the confidence ends. An exterior confidence is taken on, and the interior is suffering. This is a big issue for many, because this is where the root of my identity lies. This is what I need to take care of above anything else. THIS is what I need to get to know in order to acknowledge the fact that I’m a perfectionist and a pretty damn good one at that! I need to accept it, work with it, be happy with it, realize that I’m loved for it, and how I can grow with it.
So being a perfectionist is very different to being perfect. One will help you grow and is part of you and the latter is unhealthy and unrealistic.
Love your perfectionism! It’s what makes you tick, it’s what makes you motivated, it’s what makes you lovable! Work with the good and bad parts to form and shape your true identity in which it’s a part of.
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Lauren Galvin