A generation in search of love

Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash

I don’t know about you but I’ve never liked the term “relationship advice.” It instills the immediate sense of being overwhelmed and to be quite honest, it can be exhausting to listen to all of the things that you must and must not do. The one thing I have learned about relationship advice is that it’s not universal. No matter what anyone tells you, there is no guarantee where you will end up. 

That being said, we are a busy generation that doesn’t necessarily have time for love or romance. “I have no time”... “I’m too busy”… “It’s completely different nowadays”… these are some of the things I hear from my friends and colleagues when the topic of dating or love comes up, especially since the pandemic. Now first and foremost, I am in total agreement! 

We are very busy people with a lot expected of us. We put an immense amount of pressure on ourselves and absolutely cannot do everything. We are living in a world that is completely different to that of our parents and grandparents especially when it comes to dating and love. Many more of us are settling down much older now and it’s not necessarily by choice. 

But why?

TOO MANY OPTIONS

We have many many options. Much more than our parents and grandparents had. We are a generation that is exposed to so much. Platforms like social media, dating apps, films, tv shows and the rest can be the catalyst of our mindset, our beliefs, and our outlook on life. There is instant gratification in everything we do- the things we post online, the careers we choose, and the people we fall in love with. Technology has brought us too close. We don’t have to be physically in one another's company. It’s been replaced by texts, facetime, voice messages, and Snapchat. We don’t necessarily need to spend time with each other anymore because we have enough of each other already. When we prioritise things like work, it can seem like nothing is worth our time and patience- not even love. 

That is because perhaps we don’t know how to love… and we love a good distraction from what’s hard!

Vulnerability

“To love at all is to be vulnerable” - C.S Lewis. 

We are a generation of wanderers who won’t stay in one place for too long. We’re commitment-phobic. Definitely not too keen on settling down too fast. Rather we like to believe we are different from the rest, and that we don't conform to social norms. We don’t want to be vulnerable. We don’t want to bare our souls to anyone. We are too guarded internally and not guarded enough externally. However, we are made for love. It fulfils us. But we experience brokenness through discovering and practising it. Love doesn't come naturally. It's not something we just know how to do. It's an ability and a skill. Loving someone requires work (some more than others!) We have to understand how to treat someone with love. When we close down our vulnerability we are shielded from hurt, but we are also shielded from love, intimacy and connection. Without vulnerability, relationships struggle. Vulnerability is openness to experiences, people and uncertainty. It’s terrifying at times, and brave always. Brené Brown explains that people with a strong sense of love and belonging believe that vulnerability is a necessity. They believe that within their vulnerabilities are the things that make them beautiful. And they’re right. Vulnerability is key to connection because it is the courage to be open to another human. It’s saying the words that are pressing from the inside. It’s opening yourself up to somebody getting closer. It’s letting them know. It’s giving without expectation or agenda. And receiving with an open heart.

The Search Continues …

Be clear about what you want and what you expect early on in the relationship. Don’t worry about rejection. Rejection is good because it saves us a lot of pain. Rejection means we were never going to work - not that I wasn’t enough. Feeling defeated can block love from finding us. It’s important when something disappoints us that we have that five-second funeral and move on. Holding onto negative feelings shields us and keeps us from moving on. Negative emotions drain a lot of energy that others just do not deserve. However, having some hope and faith that with patience and self-love, it will all work out when it is supposed to, is key to building the solid foundations for a healthy relationship when it comes along. 

Put the phone down. Meet your people in person and look forward to it. Give more time. Change your mindset. Seek advice from someone who cares, or a professional. Prioritise your future. It’s so important to have some hobbies, especially where you meet new people outside of your job and friend groups. If you are too busy for real-life connections, drop something. Take your time because being in a meaningful relationship at the right time is better than being in a miserable one sooner. Enjoy your own company. Make yourself the most interesting person you know and like doing things by yourself, because even in relationships we will need to like our own company. Be brave, be vulnerable.