Why chastity isn't just about saying 'no'
Photo by Justin Groep on Unsplash
St Augustine is noted to have famously said to God, prior to his conversion to the Christian faith, “give me chastity and temperance, but not yet!” After many trials and tears, this man went on to become a renowned saint and Doctor of the Church - meaning his writings and teachings have particular importance and value.
If he found it a struggle to live a ‘chaste’ life, then we can all take solace and acknowledge that this is a very real area of struggle and temptation for all of us. Indeed, many other famous saints such as Mary Magdalene and Frances of Assisi struggled with chastity and lust. As I wrote in my blog for Hearts + Minds on this topic, chastity doesn’t always get a fair representation, with people perhaps assuming that a chaste life is equated with being a prude. But chastity is much more than that.
Let’s define this virtue
It is important to acknowledge a significant difference between chastity and purity. What differentiates chastity from purity is that chastity is a virtue. One can be a virgin and be unchaste and one can be chaste and no longer a virgin! Chastity is an all encompassing virtue, which like any virtue we don’t arrive at automatically, but have to strive for continually. The virtue of chastity is really about the freedom to love. It’s not following a particular ‘set of rules’ but rather an attitude of respect and gratitude for the gift of sexuality and its power to create life.
Outside of marriage it means physically abstaining from any type of sexual relationship, but it also includes our attitude as well. It’s up to each individual to decide for themselves how they can best maintain this within their own situation. Within marriage one is also asked to remain chaste. After all, within the context of marriage, chastity means respecting our spouse and seeing them as a whole person with their own innate dignity, not someone who is there to satisfy certain desires, just because we’re married.
A difficult path to follow
However, it is important to recognise that chastity is indeed difficult. In a world that seems oversaturated with messages that pleasure should be available at any cost, having a different attitude means we are going to stand out! And we might meet some people who scoff at the idea of striving to live a chaste life in the modern world. Chastity does require real sacrifice and of course there is temptation. The human person in our world can frequently be objectified. The virtue of chastity pulls our gaze upwards, beyond the physical and invites us to view the person as a whole. Someone with their own unique talents, characteristics, and dignity.
It's important that we take responsibility for our actions and really reflect on how we want to live, making decisions that reflect that. Just in the same manner that people take the time and effort to discipline themselves in any other field of expertise, we too can practise discipline in this area of our lives. Whether it is striving for our best in our academic, professional or our personal lives, it always requires sacrifices. Our society often praises discipline when it comes to those who wish to pursue athletic or professional goals. Think for example of the numerous books written on productivity, apps for dieting and tracking calories, smart watches to monitor progress with fitness goals, to name but a few! Similarly, in this important aspect of our character and self-development we have the opportunity to practise this virtue. We can think of it as akin to training ‘a virtuous muscle’. It may be weak at the beginning, we may suffer setbacks but as we keep persevering and nourishing ourselves in the correct way to aid improvement, we find our ‘virtuous’ muscles can indeed be trained and conditioned!
Where do we begin?
So what does one do if they realise chastity is a virtue that they would like to grow in but are not sure where or how to start? Firstly, having the desire for any virtue is a very good and necessary starting point. Whatever our circumstances, we can begin at any point and we are fortunate in the Catholic tradition that we always can make fresh starts in life with the grace offered in the sacrament of reconciliation. When striving to live a life of virtue all of us are going to stumble and fall along the way and we should remember that we have the means to begin afresh. The important part is acknowledging our struggle, bringing it to God in confession and then beginning anew.
Here are some practical tips I wish my younger, single self had heard!
Look for encouragement! Perhaps you have a friend or relative you can confide in? Someone with whom you can share your doubts or dreams? Personally I found solace in hearing other people’s stories. For me this meant having friendships with people who shared my values and finding encouragement through hearing and reading other peoples experiences.
Live your life to the fullest! Don’t sit around and wait for the right person to come along. Rather develop your interests and develop your character. Know what you stand for and develop deep friendships. I would say strong friendships and learning to be a good friend is the backbone for developing a future romantic relationship.
Decide on your boundaries and stick to them. This is easily said but hard to implement. However, it’s worth persevering with and having made a decision in advance is much easier than reacting in the moment! In the long run, knowing your boundaries and sticking to them saves you a lot of heartache and time wasted.
Making worthwhile sacrifices
Growing in the virtue of chastity can sometimes be difficult and we need to acknowledge that it will require sacrifice on our part. If you are in a relationship, but not married, it can mean having to go against the grain and live your life differently from others you may see in your peer group. People might seem surprised to hear you’re not sharing a room or living with your significant other. You may be confronted with judgement or bewilderment even. If you are single, it can mean a time of loneliness whilst waiting patiently for a person who is willing to grow in the same virtue with you. If married, it presents its own challenges and may indeed involve the welcoming of new life or involve periods of abstinence. Whichever stage in life we are at, chastity, like any other virtue, requires self discipline and self mastery. But ultimately it is a gift which allows us to be loved as we are and stops us from being used as objects or indeed objectifying others.
We are called to remain chaste throughout our lives and each stage in life brings with it, its own unique challenges. However, despite this, it is most certainly a virtue worth persevering in because despite what we might see in the culture around us, it is for our ultimate good.
In the famous words of St. John Paul II, “chastity is a difficult, long term matter; one must wait patiently for it to bear fruit, for the happiness of loving kindness which it must bring. But at the same time, chastity is the sure way to happiness.”
Resources for further reading and listening
Letters to Myself from the End of the World and The Catholic Girl's Survival Guide for the Single Years: The Nuts and Bolts of Staying Sane and Happy While Waiting for Mr. Right both by Emily Stimpson Chapman. You can find out more about her and her story on her website.
The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming by Henri J.M. Nouwen. While not directly about the virtue of chastity, this book is a beautiful meditation on being human and what it means to open ourselves up to be loved as we are. It’s a must read for everyone at any stage in life, especially those who are pondering and looking for deeper meaning in their lives.
Pre-Cana with the Pope: A Podcast for Married Couples hosted by Renzo and Monica Ortega is an excellent resource for those who are married. This podcast draws on the wisdom and teaching of St John Paul II, but in an incredibly relatable and accessible way for those at any stage of marriage. No topic is off limits and the style is relaxed and conversational.
This blog post was originally published on the Hearts + Minds website. With their kind permission, we have republished here.
